Submitted by Mark (Abel and Lucy’s dad)
Father’s Day is multifaceted. Any holiday really is, so this is not a comparison over which has it subjectively “better,” “worse” or vying for victimization points. It’s just a true, authentic, realistic, focus on Father’s Day.
I do have to preface that societally, Father’s Day is celebrated differently. Father’s Day at times seems to be thrown in as “this should probably be celebrated” but can appear as more of an afterthought. That’s not to diminish at all the importance, and necessity, to honor and celebrate Mother’s Day, or other holidays.
Taking the focus back to strictly Father’s Day: It comes in different forms (I apologize if I unintentionally left out other variables):
-Fathers who are happy to celebrate across the board. They are rightfully celebrated, celebrating their father(s) (step, in-laws, etc.) and are celebrated themselves.
—Fathers who are celebrated by their children and families while mourning the loss of a father in their life (due to death or other circumstances).
—The bittersweet Fathers who celebrate because of the children they have on earth, but mourn the loss of another child/grandchildren.
—Those who detest Father’s Day due to the unfortunate absence in their lives whether by death or circumstances.
—Those who have lost a child at any juncture of life and do not have any other children.
—Those who had stillborn children, children spending time in the NICU, early childhood passing, etc., and are mourning the presence of the child they once held in their arms for such a brief moment, until their child paved the way to heaven for them.
—Those who had a miscarriage. I say this with all due respect and honor to the mother, but in most cases societally, the mother had the miscarriage, and the father is just kind of “there.” Fathers had a miscarriage, too. Not the physical portion as the wife/partner (which again needs to be honored); however, they do experience the mental and emotional loss.
I will continue to focus here, since these are my personal experiences. Not to diminish any of the other experiences. They are all different, unique, and matter.
I am not the spokesperson for all who have lost a child, specifically miscarriages. This is, however, my story, and one I am sure many in my shoes may feel. This is not a “woe is me” but more about sharing a perspective, a story, a heart. Also, while I do believe many fathers of child loss may feel similar to me, there are those who may not be in a place where they want to be immediately acknowledged.
I was never able to hold, touch, or see our children. Honestly, I’m not sure if that’s better or worse. We never got to that point. Yet so much runs through my mind. The life I always thought would happen is not the reality we live.
When Father’s Day comes, I celebrate my amazing father whom I am blessed to have. I mourn awe-inspiring grandfathers I have had in my life. I celebrate my father and brothers-in-law. I celebrate my friends who are fathers.
And yet, I feel as if I’m in a vacuum. Not really sure where I fit in. I want nothing more than to be acknowledged as a father. To feel like a father. But what does that even feel like?
On a day like Father’s Day, the best thing someone can say for an individual who has lost a child is, “I’m thinking of you today.” While some may say, “Happy Father’s Day,” it does sting a little as it isn’t always happy, but I do not fault them whatsoever. Societally, what else has there been to say to men who lost their children? Even with the sting, it’s still an acknowledgment that we are fathers, and for me, there is no ill-will when this is communicated.
There are two areas to definitely avoid for fathers (and I’d say mothers) of child loss:
1. This is God’s plan.
I am willing to bet almost no individual who has lost a child believes that. While their heart may be in the right place, it’s a complete oversimplification and diversion from the circumstance and experience.
2. Totally ignoring the situation.
For me personally, this is the worst. Granted, it’s complicated and uncomfortable for all; I do realize that. However, if the father has established something to say in these moments, the action of ignoring the day completely isn’t about “not knowing what to say.” That’s making the other individual justify their reasoning for not engaging in the uncomfortable. What it really does is far worse. Whether unintentional or not, it reemphasizes the awful feeling that we are not the one thing we long to be and feel: a father.
All many of us want is to feel that we are a father. Some of us will never truly hold our children in our arms. And while being able to lead through roles such as an uncle, teacher, coach, father-figure, etc. is wonderful, it will never, ever, fill the void of being able to guide our own children. There is no substitution.
I can only assume that a primary worry of any parent is losing their child before they are called to Heaven. That is exactly what these losses are. Losing our children before God calls us home, no matter the brevity.
When you lose a child (or children) the world changes, and will never go back to the way it was seen before. This doesn’t necessarily mean a pessimistic view, but a different one due to the holes we have in our entire beings. Again, this won’t always be negative, just a different way of moving forward in life, working to be one degree different than the day before.
Life experiences chip away at our innocence. Others completely destroy it like a wrecking ball. These are one of those events. Aspects of idealism forever change to realism. A switch from utopian ideals to Nietzsche’s Pessimism of Strength. Frankly, some days are beyond awful, but not everyday. And in those times I try to work hard to make our angel babies proud of their father. It’s not the “old me.” It’s a different me. And different is okay.
Many may want “the old you” back. However, that isn’t realistic. I am assuming many parents with earthly children would not be able to fathom a life without their kids (and hopefully they don’t have to), but that is the true reality that Fathers of miscarriage/child-loss live with everyday.
Therefore, the expectation should not be the old us, but rather the new which is persevering everyday; having good days, bad days, and the “we don’t know how we feel” days. We learn. We grow. We adapt. We continue to navigate this side of Heaven until God calls us home and unites us with our children.
Many of us crave to feel that we are fathers. We don’t have the physical connection that mothers have. Many of us are longing for it and have no clue how to find that connection. And maybe we never will. However, the encouragement and reassurance that we are in fact fathers is more helpful than many will ever truly know.
Here is to hoping that we can acknowledge all of the previously mentioned as fathers, no matter their story.
It may be uncomfortable for some to talk about. However, the daily discomfort those who have lost a child/children have in our hearts until we see our children again can be subtly eased, if only momentarily, with the acknowledgement and reassurance that we are in fact fathers.